Finding Maturity in Medications
I could talk about my medications for days. It was one of the first slaps in the face that accompanied my diagnosis, and it was a big one. Being expected to navigate a litany of psychiatric medications seemed like a joke. I wasn’t a doctor. I was simply an ill person fighting to make it through my day. Everything was a mess: side effects galore, landing on the right medication in the midst of seemingly twenty different problems, the frustration of not sleeping enough vs sleeping too much, endless blood work to be done, and constantly trying to figure out the dosages of nine medications that wouldn’t stay put. As quoted in my book: “I felt like my meds bullied me.”
Over time, amazingly, my resolve turned my bully into one of my closest friends. Thankfully, my childlike frustrations gave way to maturity as I partnered with my doctor to overcome my illness, one medication at a time.
I am purely blessed by God to be where I stand today in relation to my medications. There are few people who ever reach this level of maturity. It’s the nature of bipolar disorder. The enemy deceives us at our weakest point.
I remember being there myself, for fifteen years. Garbage piled into my brain as I was convinced that I would lose everything if I took any medications. At that point, my creativity blew people’s socks off. I was deemed a genius when I was in school. I had so much energy. I felt superhuman. I knew that medications would suppress all of that. I didn’t want to take them. For fifteen years, I fought the medication battle. Every day when I woke up, I debated taking them. However, it was in 2019 that God came into my life and that is when He started to teach me spiritual obedience.
You must understand that a system was established in my life since the time that I was diagnosed. Its foundation is my doctor and medication regimen. I remember that my mother taught me to take my medications at all costs, regardless of whether I wanted them or not. I was learning obedience.
Everything worth having in life has a cost. It reminds me of all that I gave up in seeking God for the first time. After meeting God, my next priority was gaining a sound mind. I learned that it takes surrender to God to find true healing. In gaining a sound mind, I made a choice to take my medications faithfully, and it came with a cost: giving up my mania, my big dreams, an obscene amount of creativity and everything that made me feel important. But what mattered was that I was learning how to push back on the enemy.
I will always remember one of my appointments with my doctor when he said to me, “See? Your personality is starting to come out.” He was only able to point that out after we had worked hard for nine years to perfect the medications that I took. People with bipolar disorder believe a lie that medications take away their personality. Mania isn’t their personality. It’s their illness. I am much more subdued at this point in my life and there are many things that I have lost in taking my meds, not to mention how sedated I feel all day long, every day. But, through this spiritual maturity of submitting to the system, God uses it for good.
I would urge you to do the same. I promise that you will certainly find so many treasures from God inside of this leap of faith.
Sincerely, Ruby
Please check out my website: iwillflyrubylucas.com